This journey to bring Timothy home has cost a lot. While the money wasn’t easy to raise, the other things don’t even compare. The frustrations, the hurt feelings, and the tears have been endless. When I think that I almost have a handle on things, something else crashes down around me that knocks the breath out of me and brings on yet another round of tears and heart break.
We didn’t take the decision to go halfway around the world to bring home a child with Down Syndrome lightly. We weighed things out. We wavered several times, should we, shouldn’t we? We prayed about it often, and had lots of other people praying for us too. We made arrangements, we made other arrangements. We had plan A, plan B, and even plan C in a few instances. I left lists, people, phone numbers, what to do in case XYZ happened. The people who were in charge were very capable of handling things (and also very well trained when it came to the daycare stuff). Things should have gone smoothly, right? I thought so…
I know that this is what God wanted us to do. I have said it before, and I’ll keep saying it. I am NOT sorry for bringing Timothy home. I will never ever be sorry for taking him away from the fate that was just moments away if not for our going to bring him home. When I think of the “Lost Boys” as my friend Julia refers to them, I can’t even think of him becoming one of them. He wouldn’t have lived very long there. His spark would have been extinguished by the stark reality of the institution. The little glimmer in his beautiful almond shaped eyes would not have been there if he had been transferred.
The casualties of this journey have been many. I’ve lost all but three of my daycare families. Families who have been a part of my family for many years. Not because they don’t approve of our adoption, but because they needed to find stability when things here got so unstable in my absence. Kids need stability, parents need reliable care for their kids, not a place that is open, then closed, then open… well, you get the idea. Out of all of the things that have happened in the last two months, this is very high on the list for being one of the hardest. I have missed “my” kids. I miss the hugs and kisses, and unconditional love. The giggles and tickles, and silliness.
I feel like I’ve had to trade so many things for this little boy who doesn’t speak English, doesn’t like about half of the foods that he is offered, throws things, yells at us just whenever he thinks he needs to, gets into everything (seriously, everything)… the same little guy that learned how to blow kisses tonight, gives hugs at random to me, Daddy, and his little/big sister, who loves to feel the wind on his face, and even though she isn’t really happy about it, who is starting to really love the dog after being terrified of her when we got home…
Am I sorry now? No… but I’m sad. I’m sad that I lost my daycare kids… I’m sad that my family is all still upset with me… I’m sad that I put too much faith into things being ok while I was gone and getting back to “normal” after we came home…
John keeps saying that “God will take care of things”. I know. But I’m still sad…
Mel,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear of all the hurdles. And they are just that, Hurdles. God DOES have a plan. Hopefully, your families will realize that the struggles are over now. You are back, and life will resume to its semi normal state. I hope the parents of your kids know how much those kids mean to you and will return. I know what an amazing person you are, and as far as its concerned, if I had a child with you prior, I would still be back after. Love ya muches!
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteExcellent Childcare is so hard to find these days...hope they realize that and come back because you ROCK!!!
Mel, I am sure it must be so hard to lose kids/families you've had for quite some time, not to mention the problems with your family! In the short amount of time we got to spend with you, I could see and feel how much you care and what a great person you are! You know it already, but I just have to say that what your family did in saving Timothy was good and right and what you should've done! I'm sorry you are feeling sad now, praying for you and your whole family!! :)) In the long run, I'm sure it will be more clear, all of it.... God bless and we love you fellow RR family!!!! :))
ReplyDeleteMel,
ReplyDeleteI have known you for almost 16 years. In all those years I watched your ups and downs in life. I have witnessed you grow, your happiness, your pain. I know how much you love your families and how much YOUR family means to you.
I am so sorry for all you have lost, but what you gained is immeasurable. Your sons LIFE was at stake.
To say "shame on your family" does not even CUT IT. I have a screwy family, but yours? The selfishness is beyond measure. Frankly, it is unforgiveable.
Hugs to you my friend. This too shall pass. And while it does, look into your sons eyes, watch him change and grow, because of YOU.
And I meant to add (cat hit the send button LOL), I know it is hard to see families leave, they did what they had to for your family but you did what was right for yours.
ReplyDeleteIn reality, it might be a blessing in disguise, as you need the time to spend with your 4 children.
Lots of hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know your situation, but I have family who also will not enter in to the joy and celebration of adoption (though they have definately not been antagonistic). My 9 month old had no baby showers, 2 cards from random strangers, no gifts from grandparents, no visits from aunt and uncles even those who live 200 yards away. I am an older mom and don't know anyone my age adopting or parenting babies. I understand sad and hope deeply that there are families who will "adopt" you and nurture you while you pour your heart into Timothy and your other children. God bless and restore your daycare and ease your heart! God reminds me to take bad and hard situations as a lesson in how NOT to behave! God give you much grace, strength, and humor today.
ReplyDeleteBreathe - God has this. He does. He's got your back. He has his reasons. Breathe. One single day at a time. That is what we are doing over here. One day. Get through that day. He wants our worlds to be wrecked. He wants our hearts to be overwhelmed. He has us right where He wants us, Mel. Broken, bruised, needy. So that He can fill us, show us what He desires. He's got this. He has you. If it was perfect when you came home - you would have eased back in quickly - gone back to life as you knew it - and quickly forgotten what you left behind. The upheaveal - the chaos - it makes you remember. It causes you to cling and it keeps you broken and needy. Smart God. So cling. Hang on. He's showing you that we live in a fallen, broken world that needs Him. You're going to get through this. He's good that way. So breathe. Love on your immediate family. Forgive those who need. Cling to the God who forgave you, stands by you and holds you in all your struggles.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet friend...I know your heart is hurting. Family and even daycare families that were supposed to love and support you have left you feeling like you were at fault and you are being punished. I'm here to tell you that you aren't. My mom ran a daycare out of her home for many years, like you she loved all of the families that it brought into her life, like you she was often hurt by those same families that professed to love her (not always hurt, but sometimes). This is not a Christian thing to say but I found that in cases where daycare families or even our own families are involved it rings true. Sh*t rolls down hill. If people feel bad about themselves or the situation they feel they have been put in, they will look for someone to blame. Not their husbands, not their employers, that would bring too many repercussions, they look for an easy target someone who has to take it because they have no choice, you depend on them for your income, you have to put up with a lot. I know this from witnessing it first hand with my mom. The saying no good deed goes unpunished is true in your case. You are not the same person you were before that trip, maybe you feel more empowered, more confidant, maybe just excited and proud that you accomplished what you set out to do (I would be). The people in your life might see that in you and that makes them feel threatened, you aren't the same Mel they could kick around before and they need to take you down a notch for their own sakes. I have seen this in my own family, between the sister that I have that is still alive and myself. She does everything she can to demean me because she needs to feel better about herself. She is not successful, is in a bad marriage, and overall her life is pretty bad. But it makes her feel better when I fail, like See Renee isn't so perfect after all. I hate that it is this way but it is. I have learned to disregard anything she says but I wish it were different. Don't let people get you down, push you down, put you back in the place where they can say whatever they want to and you just take it. You are better than that. You were supposed to change, God changed your heart when He lead you to Timothy, He changed your life. Maybe I am off the mark on all of this and I am just posting the words of a crazy woman (that part you know to be true :) but I will leave you with one quote, a little piece of paper I keep in my Bible with these words by Joseph Campbell "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." If you need me, I am here. Take comfort in the fact that so many people love you. I know I think the world of you.
ReplyDeleteLove wins,
Renee Tam
5cajuns.blogspot.com
I'm sorry but you have really offended me with this post. A month of is the daycare open/closed, finding alternative daycare/sitters with 2 days notice. Trying to rearrange our work schedules because of miscommunications. It was very frustrating. Do I hold angry or bad feelings, no. I just had to do what I had to in order to find a stable daycare provider and return to work. I don't get vacation or sick, which meant I would have been losing money (that my family desperately counts on) to stay home if we couldn't have found an alternative daycare.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be judging the daycare parents just as much as you talk about your sister judging you. Please think about what it was costing us during that months time.
I don't think Mel was judging her daycare parents, I am pretty sure she said she understood that her daycare parents needed to find stable daycare for their children. AND I was speaking from past experience with my own mother which has nothing to do with you. These were my comments not Mel's.
ReplyDeleteWhoa girls... I was only stating that I am sad about the events that happened through this whole adventure (for lack of a better word). No one is to blame. Things happened, and there was and still is nothing I could or can do to change that.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I totally know the frustration. I hope you realize how upset *I* was at the situation. I was a gazillion miles away and there was no way I could do anything to help that. If I could have put things on hold and came home and fixed it all and went back and picked up where I left off, I would have(unfortunately not an option :( ). The stuff with the fleas, the stuff with my Mother, the stuff with the daycare, the list is long.
I am grateful for the amount of time I had with the kids that I had, and they will always be very special to me. And I'll always be sorry for the way it all ended. I pray everyday that there are no hard feelings. I can't live my life apologizing everytime the subject comes up, for my own sanity, I need to say how sorry I am and then move on. There's nothing I can do to take things back.
Like I have said all along, God is in control, and I think Julia said it best He has His reasons. Someday I hope He'll make them clear to me.
My mom baby sat the whole time I was growing up. I even married of of the little girls she watched, older brother so I know how close you get to the kids!LOL And I seem to be following in my mothers footsteps I just starting watching 2 kids. I know you loved them kids like they were you own and I am sure they will miss you too. Things will get better!!
ReplyDeleteGod has a plan and as the days pass he is fulfilling it! You did what GOD wanted you to do at the time and his ways are higher than ours and he knows best! There is alot that happens in life,some of which we don't always understand and may never understand them all. But God knows why he does things and his timing and his ways are perfect in everyway possible! You saved a child! Adoption is beautiful and you feel exactly as you should about him! We went through alot with our adoption as well including with our own families. I have shared it all with you before. It will get better,may not seem like it now,but follow John's advice and pray,pray,and pray! As I have to sometimes remind myself which is very hard for me:LET GO AND LET GOD! Good slogan to live by! You will get more daycare kids....probably more than you would ever want! Maybe God is taking you in a new direction or maybe he has something else in store for you to do....who knows? Only God knows why all these things happened and only he knows why they happened when they did! Pray for the people who hurt you and go on. There is a brighter future coming your way! Also I don't remember exact scripture but God tells us he will give us double for our trouble! And what satan takes from us God will restore it 10 times the amount he stole from us. SO who knows why all these things happened when you were away....There is JOY in the morning! Breathe,Relax,and enjoy all your blessing you have right now! May God bless you,keep you,and heal you....Our prayers and thoughts are with you and your family....God will provide and you will prevail!
ReplyDeleteI should have typed that it was your response that I was offended by not Melissa's initial post. But that is my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThat is sad. I'm glad 3 families stuck it out. But the positive is that you will have a little more one-on-one time with Timothy. I'm sure new great families will come to you. God has plans.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear your family is not 100% supportive.
Thinking of you.
BTW... I got my Christmas stuff out today so hopefully (fingers crossed) I can get that sweet little ornament mailed to you within a few days!