Bleck! That's about how I'm feeling about now... LOL

I’m having a rough night tonight.  Maybe because I’m tired (Timothy had too much to drink before bed last night and was up at 3am to go to the bathroom, and didn’t go back to sleep until after 6 when I got up! Yaaawn!).  Maybe it’s hormonal.  Maybe it’s just that things are piling up.  I dunno.  I just know that I hate feeling this way. 

There’s nothing specific that I can think of really.  It’s a culmination of lots of things.  Lack of money is the biggest.  Gosh, that seems to be a theme for many people I know lately.   Sigh…   It’s so hard worrying about which bill is going to get paid this month and hoping that this or that isn’t shut off before we can pay for it.  We haven’t been this broke in several years.  I know it’s hard because of the economy, but it’s also hard because I haven’t recovered from basically losing my job while I was gone.   I have only replaced one kiddo so far.  Of course, that goes back to the economy too.  People don’t need childcare because they are losing their jobs, or they can’t afford it because of cut backs… it’s a vicious cycle that effects everyone.    

There is a sadness thrown into the mix too.  The girls were playing the other day and asked when two of the other girls would be back because they “really miss them”.   I had to tell them that I didn’t know because it broke my heart to think of trying to explain to them (they are 3 & 4) that they wouldn’t be coming back.  Olivia especially misses them, she has always known them, and they have been a part of her life every day, all of her life.  I miss them too.  Then, tonight, the lady who adopted Molly (our dog) called.   She is doing very well with her new “Mama”, and the lady commented how much she really enjoys her.  She called to ask what Molly likes, and a few other things.  I told her several things, but then when I was telling her about something that I did today that made me miss her, I got all teary.  Ugh!! 

So many changes.  So many things to “miss”, the kids, the dog, the “things” that we used to be able to do and have...  I did have a talk with my girls(well, mostly Kati) tonight to make sure that they understand that all of the changes that have been happening are NOT Timothy’s “fault”.   I know that they feel the pinch of our finances because we don’t get “treats” anymore (no extras at the store, no going out to eat on the weekends, etc), and having to give Molly away (this is something that we had been talking about long before we left for Ukraine because she was getting older, and her patience with the kids wasn’t what it used to be so she was having accidents on the floor, etc) are the biggies.   I don’t want them to resent Timothy or to connect the changes that are happening to our trip to bring Timothy home.   Things happened that were beyond my control.  

There are some that might be reading this and thinking that we deserve the bad stuff, we brought it on ourselves, we shouldn’t have gone halfway around the world to drag home a little kid, especially one with special needs.   Ya know what though, I have said it before, and I’ll say it till the day I die, I will NEVER be sorry for bringing Timothy home.  Never.  God gave us the call to “Go” and we did.  The things that happened, yes, I wish I could change some of those.   But I’ll never be sorry for saving our little boy’s life. 

Ok, let’s focus on something else.  Happy thoughts! Timothy is still doing really well.  There are a couple of things that concern me a little, so I’ll mention them to the developmental doc when we see her next week.  The day that we go for that appointment, I’ll take Olivia with us, and my Mom is coming too, so I hope to be able to go to the “big” mall while we are in the city, Timothy has never been to the mall, so we’ll see how that goes.  hehe   They have a play area for the kids to run and climb and just have fun… we’ll definitely be going there. 

When I get bogged down by things, I look at my kids, especially Olivia and Timothy, and I see their sweetness, and their unconditional love, and the trust that they have in me to take care of them, and I know that God blessed me more than I can even imagine.  Of course, I also have two teen agers…nuff said… hehe   I love my kids so much.  I love to see the changes in each of them as they are growing.  Of course, the changes in Timothy are more obvious sometimes because of his past.   God gave me these precious little people to take care of, and I know that He is going to take care of me so that I can take care of them.   Oh yeah, and of course, John too.  lol   Seriously, he has been my rock through all of these things, and he just came home and I was cryin and he asked me why, and I told him I’m fine, and though I’m not, he knew to leave it at that (hehe  finally got me figured out in that area! ).  Besides, he can just read this so I don’t have to explain it all over again.  LOL

Ok… it’s after midnight, and I’ve been up WAY too long!! 

Please pray for my friends… Jennifer (and her dad, and her adoption)… Renee (and her family and their adoption)… Katrina (and her adoption) … and our finances... I know… God’s got this… I just have to let it go(I’m tryin, I’m tryin!!). 

I do thank God for my family (John and the kiddos) and my friends (who ROCK!!), and our church family, and for His provision from day to day!!