I miss my Dad today...

I was watching “Grey’s Anatomy” today during the kids’ naptime.  It was the episode where George’s Dad died.  I’ve seen the episode before, but today it just really stung.  I kept thinking of those last days before my Dad died. 

He’d been in the hospital before.  He’d been in seriously bad condition before.  He bounced back though.  I remember at one point my Mom mentioned that maybe he’d wake up and want a cheeseburger. 

The time that he was in the hospital seems like so long ago.  But, I can remember every minute like it was yesterday.  The people that came in and out, the ones who noticeably didn’t.  The calls to my sister and brother to tell them the latest, or that they needed to come right away.  I remember standing next to his bed, and talking to him when he could still hear and understand what I was saying, and he could answer.  I remember being in the same place after he’d slipped further away listening to him babble about something that happened years ago. 

I think the thing that is the most vivid is the last thing he really said to me.  I’m the oldest, the “helper”, the responsible one.  I always looked after everyone.   He held my hand, and said “Help me”.  He was having a harder and harder time breathing.  He wouldn’t use the oxygen, or the CPAP machine, he didn’t want to be all hooked up to “them damn machines”.  I got the nurse who called the respiratory therapist to come and give him a breathing treatment.  He calmed down, and slept.  He really wasn’t aware or alert much after that.  He slowly slipped away from us. 

After a pretty quick chat, it was decided that moving him to “comfort care” was all that was left.  He wasn’t going to bounce back this time.  No more cheeseburgers.  It was time for us to say good bye.  I didn’t know this until later, but Dad asked John to pray with him.  He knew his time was coming to an end here on this earth.   

He was moved to the Hospice House on the afternoon of September 22, 2009.  It is such a nice, peaceful place.  His room was like a regular bedroom.  Once he was settled, I left, and brought back supper, and the kids, John, Mom and I had our supper in the little kitchen/dining area.  Kati had gone out with one of her friends and her Mom for supper… it was her Birthday.  After supper, the kids were allowed to go back and visit Dad.  He was lying in his bed, just sleeping.  He did have his usual oxygen (cannula) just like he did when he was well.  It was a “nice” place for the kids to see him.  No tubes, no monitors.  He was just asleep, just resting.  John took the kids home after a little while, and I convinced Mom to go home too.  She had been by his side for so long, she needed to rest.   Kati came to visit after her supper.  While I waited for her, I turned on the TV, and watched NCIS, a show that he loved.  I chatted on and on just as if he could hear and understand me.  I think it was more for me than anything.  Kati came in and told him about her day, and reminded him that it was her Birthday.  Before we left, I promised that I would take care of Mom, and if he decided that he didn’t want to keep fighting it was ok, she would be ok.  I just asked one last favor… please hold on until Kati’s Birthday was over.  I kissed him on the cheek and promised to come back the next day to see him.

The call came at 1:40 am.  He was fading, I had to get there as soon as I could, Mom was already on her way too.  It’s only about a three minute drive, but by the time I got there, he was gone.   

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking so much about him, I have days like this though.  Something will trigger a memory, a song, a smell, someone’s voice. 

We had some really great talks after I grew up and moved out.  We talked about pretty much anything.  He never judged me.  He never held any grudges, and he always told me just what he thought about whatever we were talking about.   He was very supportive in his own way.  I know he loved me.  And I know that no matter what I might have done, he would listen, and try to help if he could. 

If he were still here, he would go nuts over what my sister and my brother are doing to Mom.  He would not be happy about the horrible things that my brother’s wife or my own sister said to her.  Yes, he would have been very mad about some of the things that happened between Mom and I while I was in Ukraine.  But, he would have forgiven me, and moved on, not held on to it for nearly two years.  I know he would have gone off on my sister and brother by now about their parts in the whole situation.  Especially how they have and are still treating Mom and my family. 

That aside though, I think he would have loved Timothy.  And he would really be loving Olivia, and how much she is growing up.  She was his little buddy.  I know he would be so proud of Kati and Joe, and how great they are doing in school.  And, I know he'd be happy for all that John and I have done too.  

As I sit here trying to see through all of the tears, I can close my eyes and hear his voice saying, “Well, Sis…you probably ought to get some rest, 5:30  comes pretty early “  I wish I could hear him say that just one more time…

I miss you Dad.  I miss what you were to me, and what you were to our family.  I miss our family…

Most days are ok… some days not so much though… today was one of those days…