This is a long one...

I started this post out as a catch up.  After reading some posts on Facebook, and other blogs this morning though, I have decided that it’s time for some reality.

Reality isn’t all that bad once you get through the tough parts and can look back.  We might even admit one day that we’ve learned a few lessons along the way.  The truth is though that those tough times are usually pretty brutal, and learning from the experience isn’t all that easy.  In fact, I think learning comes in many ways for many people, and a lesson might not be the same for everyone.

One thing I have found since starting our adoption journey is who cares, and who really doesn’t.  There are people in our lives that come through for just a short time, and there are those who are meant to stay and see us through the duration.  Adoption, especially international special needs adoption helps a person realize just which category the people in our lives fit into.  Unfortunately, sometimes the people that have promised to be there, aren’t.  I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter if they are friends or family, there are just some people that can’t handle it. 

It might not be the children, or the thought of the special needs, it might not be that they don’t know what to do or say, usually it’s something that they think you have done, or not done in my case.   People judge.  They question how you can handle another child.  They question why you would want to adopt a “sick” child.  Why would you bring more burden on yourself, your spouse, your other children, your home, and your finances.  They look at your life, and THEY decide that another child, especially one with health issues, or developmental delays, just could not possibly fit into your life.  They are sure that if you can’t afford to pay the fees involved to bring the child home, you can’t possibly afford to raise them.  It really doesn’t matter what you say, how you try to show them that you are following a path that is bigger than you and bigger than your family.  THEY make the decision that it is a “bad” idea, and nothing can change their minds.

These are the people who are in our lives for a short time.  These are the people that we can’t rely on to be there for us.  These are the people that, no matter how hard it is, and no matter how much it hurts, don’t deserve to be in our lives, or the lives of our children (the new ones or the old ones).  These are the people that you need to remember the “good” and move on.  Even if you called them “friend” and promised to always be there, you have to let go because these are the short term people.

I’ve never been especially close to my siblings.  I lived many miles away for the first part of my adult life.  They weren’t at my wedding or the births of my children.   We talked on the phone, cards, or calls on holidays and special occasions, visit when we were here to see my parents, etc.  That was about the extent of our “relationship”.  Then I moved “home”.   Our lives took a new path, and we came home to be closer to everyone.   On a sidenote, we had to decide which place would be best for our kids, and Iowa won over Miami.   This turned out to be a very good decision because of Joey’s special needs. 

Once we moved, we had the chance to do more family things, holidays and birthdays were spent at one or the other of our homes.  We got together for cook outs, or met for this or that.   I wouldn’t say that we were all best friends, but we were family, and each have our own families to take care of. 

Then we were led to adopt.  I’ve said it before, we didn’t go looking for a child to adopt.  We thought we were done, our family was complete.  We had three great kids, all healthy, and thriving.  Our financial situation wasn’t great, but we were making it work.   One night, I saw Timothy, and the rest as they say, is history. 

We were in for a crazy ride, but we knew that it was what we were supposed to do, he was meant to be our son. 

As with most families, we had lots of hurdles to jump over, and lots of money to raise.  We didn’t have $26,000-30,000 lying around.   One of the first things I did was appeal to my siblings.  I would do all of the work, if they could please help me to put on a “benefit” for our adoption fund.  Timothy was set to be sent to a mental institution in a matter of months, so we needed to act quickly.  No response.  No, “I’m sorry, I’m just too busy right now” or “I don’t have the resources” or even a “No way, I think you are crazy”.  Nothing.    This hurt, but I was willing to overlook the lack of enthusiasm and trudge ahead. 

When we announced to my family what we were doing, it was a mixed reaction.  I could say I wasn’t expecting it, but I guess deep down it didn’t surprise me.  My sister’s first reaction was “Why can’t you adopt one of “our own” kids?” Meaning, a child from America, foster care, off the streets.  I can understand that reaction to an extent, I mean, I know that there are kids here in America who are in trouble too.  But children in foster care still have medical coverage, they still go to school, they still have food, and clothing and a place to sleep.  As difficult as it is, they have someone looking out for them, taking care of their basic needs.  They did not have a counted number of days until they were doomed to a mental institution where they’d be tethered to a crib and sitting in their own filth wondering if or when they’d be fed again.  Timothy did.

Throughout our process, my sister distanced herself.  When I asked, she just shrugged it off as being busy, or having marital issues, or something going on with this or that daughter(she has four).  She has a busy life, I understand that, but I knew that the distance had grown, and a wall was slowly being built.  My brother and his wife came to our rummage sale.  They participated in our Volley Ball tournament.  They encouraged us as much as they could at the time.  They seemed interested. 

Things moved along.   God’s timing became clear.  More hurdles, more waiting, more paperwork to process.   Then, I found out who the people are in my life that I can rely on, the people who love me and my children, and care about our family.  I found out just who my friends are. 

When we finally traveled in October of 2010, we had things set here at home, or so I thought.   If you live in reality, you know that things happen that are beyond your control.  People who you thought you could rely on bail in the 11^th hour whether you need them or not, and others continue to judge but do nothing to try to help.

All of those things happened here while we were 6,000 miles away fighting to bring our son home, and there was nothing we could do to manage things at home.   I didn’t plan well enough.  I took for granted that things would flow smoothly while I was gone.  Communication was misinterpreted, as we all know happens online, and even on the phone.  People who thought they knew better stepped in and made things worse by badmouthing our plan, sides were taken, and lines were drawn.   I will be the very first to admit that I screwed up.  I have admitted that.  I have apologized and been forgiven by the one person who was hurt the most, my Mom.  We have moved past it, and we are in a much better place.   

My siblings still stand in judgment.  An issue that was between my Mom and me became theirs.  They chose not to forgive.  My brother’s wife, told my Mom that we were “dead to her” when Mom tried to talk to her about the situation, and working things out.  They wouldn’t listen to my side of things, they wouldn’t hear my apologies.  They also didn’t come to my Mom’s rescue in the time that things were tough here while I was gone.  Instead, they judge.  They sat back and let her carry the “burden” that they were so worried about my leaving on her.  At one point, my sister said to my then 13 year old daughter who was already feeling the crush of stress and missing her parents, and worrying about what was happening, “If Grandma has a heart attack because of this, it’s your fault”.   Of course, she said this to my daughter, who was in fact helping and doing just what she had been told, but yet she offered no help, and neither did my brother and his wife.   All of this happened, there’s nothing I can do to change that.  So many times though, I have wanted to remind them of their mistakes.  Of the things that they have done to hurt our family… leaving in the middle of the night and driving across the country to be with a man from the internet, messing up marriages, hurting my Mom during the time that she needed all of us the most, when my Dad passed away… all forgiven.  All moved past.  They hold this grudge against me because they don’t like what *I* did to my Mom, no matter that Mom is past it, no matter that THEY didn’t do ANYTHING to help her when it was happening. 

Our trip to Ukraine was not a wonderful tourist travel abroad experience.  It was long, and emotionally draining, and physically draining, and at times we worried that we might not get to bring Timothy home.  Our lives were literally in the hands of our facilitator, and the judge, and the social worker, and the orphanage staff.  Where we went, what we did, when we visited Timothy, when we had court, even up to the very last day, things were going wrong.  And, in the midst of all of the things happening here, I didn’t get to share the good things, or the bad. I thank God every day for the gift that He gave me in my friend Cathy.  She was there and let me cry, and listened to me blather on and on.  She was there when my family wasn’t.   When we got home, I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling, or how the process was made me want to give up.  I couldn’t tell anyone because I knew that they wouldn’t understand I knew that they would come back with “You brought this on yourself”…   Everyone here thought that we were off around the world on a great vacation, partying and having a grand time. 

A lot of people were upset with me when we came home.  There was no big crowd at the airport to welcome us (the ones who were there are VERY important to me though, and I am so thankful that they came to share our special moment).  Since being home, I’ve been lonely.  I’ve been depressed.  I’ve been frustrated.  I’ve had days that I still question if we did the right thing.   It’s only recently that I’ve even been able to share the good things about the trip and being in a foreign land with my Mom without the guilt of what happened.  

We have been home 16 months.  So much has happened in that time.   So many firsts for our sweet boy.  So many milestones.   In the beginning, it was very bittersweet.  I wanted to share him with my family.  I wanted them to see that he is a wonderful, beautiful little boy that deserves to live, to be loved, and to be free to grow up and learn, and play, and be happy.  

I hate what this has done to my Mom.  I hate that my brother is allowing his wife (who is NO angel herself) to drive this wedge between him and Mom (and me).   I hate that neither my sister nor brother will listen to my side of things, and give me a chance to answer their questions about the whole issue.   I hate that I don’t get to see my nieces and nephew.  I hate that when I see them in public, they aren’t allowed to even look our way.  I have told my own kids that it is something between me and them, and if they want to say hello or approach them it’s ok because they are still their Aunt & Uncle. 

What I would LOVE to do is type it all out and let everyone know what they have done, and said.  What I would love to do is hurt them as badly as they have hurt me, and Mom.  That’s what I would love to do.  But I won’t.  I won’t because it really doesn’t matter anymore.

I’ve been working on Timothy’s first scrapbook.  Our trip, the pictures, the places, the people that we met.   I’m sure that is what brought all of this up for me again. 

I’ve read so many blogs about people being “real” and I’ve decided that I need to join that club.  Things aren’t all sunshine and roses, things are tough sometimes.  That’s life!    

And whether people want to be a part of my life or not, it’s happening.  Life moves on, and if you don’t keep up with it, it will run you over.   If you don’t want to be a part of my life, or my family, that’s ok because I probably already know. 

In all of the blessings that God has given me over this past 16 months, He has given me precious friends who love hearing from me, and about my kids, good or bad, because that is what friends do.